When it’s Time to Exhale: Thoughts and Reflections on Coming Out in the 21st Century

Written By:  Ryan Fouts, LCSW, Outlet Program Director, ACS’ Outlet Program

In honor of National Coming Out Day, celebrated annually on October 11th since 1988, here are some thoughts, reflections, and reminders about coming out in the 21st Century.

1. Coming out is a gift. It’s easy to see coming out as a scary, hard thing (because it is!), and it is sometimes seen as a “chore” that LGBTQ+ people have to complete as part of their personal journey. But, I think it’s important to see coming out as a gift. It’s a gift because it allows the person coming out the opportunity to be more open and honest about who they are. They may not be received well, and other challenges may arise, but it creates an opportunity for someone to step out of the shadows and be themselves. Being in the closet is like holding your breath, and when you come out…you finally get the chance to exhale.

2. Coming out is a (life-long) process. Sometimes when LGBTQ+ people are preparing for their first coming out “moment” it can be tempting to think, “If I can just get through this then I’ll be all good.” People typically first come out to family or close friends. But, after that begins the much longer process of coming out to other family members, acquaintances, and new people who enter your life along the way. If you’re in the midst of this, don’t worry, coming out becomes easier and “less formal” over time. After a while it might even become a natural part of how you share yourself with new people, but it’s something those of us who are LGBTQ+ sit with for our whole lives.

3. Coming out comes in two forms. There are two forms of coming out…one for gender identity (e.g. being trans or genderfluid) and the other for sexual orientation (e.g. being gay, bi, pansexual). If you’re not part of the LGBTQ+ community and someone comes out to you, please don’t assume anything beyond what they tell you. If someone comes out about their gender identity, please don’t assume it means anything about their sexual orientation. And vice versa, if someone comes out with a particular sexual orientation, please don’t assume that they have any sort of gender “issue.”

4. Intentional outing. In our technological world it is increasingly common that folks are outed against their will…especially for youth in online settings. If this has happened to you, first let me say that I’m really sorry. Coming out should’ve been your thing, and I’m so sorry someone took that from you. If this happens to you, do what you can to find support…whether that be friends, family members, or online resources. If you are connected to someone who gets outed, please step in to support them. You may want to “punish” the person that outed them, but before you do anything on your own, ask the person who got outed if/how they want to respond and how you can help. They may simply need your presence and your willingness to sit with them in their pain.

5. There’s a lot at stake: be kind to yourself and others. If you’ve never come out, take time to make sure you’re ready. It’s important that you protect your physical and emotional safety, so create a plan in case it doesn’t go well. Consider finding someone you can call/text to check-in with, a place to go if your environment becomes unsafe, and have a number to a support line handy in case other options fall through. If you’re thinking about coming out, but you’re still not sure…that’s totally okay. There may never be the “right time”, but come out when it feels best for you, because what’s most important is your safety. If someone came out to you, but they’re not out to others, please don’t pressure them to do so. It’s a hard conversation to have (over and over and over again), so keep in mind there are times we may not want to rush into telling everyone around us.

6. Coming out and faith. If you are LGBTQ+ and you’re wondering whether you can also be a person of faith…let me tell you that the answer is yes. If you believe in a god or some form of higher power, then please know that there are many faith communities and places of worship that will accept and love you just as you are.

7. Don’t lose hope. As I said before, coming out can be difficult and scary…and sometimes even dangerous. Though coming out may make some things harder, don’t lose sight that coming out is a gift that lets you be more yourself. You may experience hardships, but please know there is hope for better days in your future. Ultimately, remember that you are never alone. Hopefully you have or will find people in your life that support and love you. Even if you don’t, know that there are people out there who care about you. I may never meet you…but I care about you and have a heart filled with love for you…you are truly special in this world. There are generations of LGBTQ+ people who have gone before us, and their legacy reminds us that we’re not alone. And one day the legacy that you create with your life will inspire future generations of LGBTQ+ people.