Understanding Adolescent Grief

Written By: Allison Thigpen, Clinical Trainee at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program

GRIEF AND LOSSare universal experiences, but they can look very different in young children. While adults may express grief through words or rituals, children often process their emotions in ways that are less obvious—through behavior, play, or even silence.

As parents, caregivers, or educators, understanding how children make sense of loss is an important step in supporting them. Whether the loss is of a parent, family member, caregiver, pet, or close friend, grief touches many children throughout their development. Even anticipatory grief—worrying about an expected loss—can shape their emotional world.

Below are a few approaches you can use to help a grieving child feel understood and cared for.

Step 1: Tell the child you want to know what they are feeling

Depending on your relationship with the child, there will be a variety of ways to do this. As a parent or close relative, you can tell the child directly that you want to hear all about what they are feeling. Here, be sure to avoid telling them what they should feel and what they should not feel. For younger children such as toddlers or for children who do not respond well to direct communication, you can simply sit down with them to play. Do this often, and see what emerges in the play. Are there themes of loss or illness in what they are playing? Do they play out scenes where one character goes to the doctor? If so, you can comment gently on this, “Oh! I see the elephant is sad/angry that he cannot find his friend”. You do not have to take it any further than this to start with. Just notice the feelings that come up in play and name them.

Step 2: Get Personal About your Own Experiences

Children often like to discover that they are not alone in what they are experiencing. If you were close to the person that the child has lost, you can bring up some of your own feelings about their death. You will see whether the child is curious to find out how you felt and how you handled your loss. But take cues from the child. If she does not respond with interest, drop the subject. If she starts asking questions, you know you have succeeded in helping her feel less alone. Answer her questions but keep in mind that your goal is to share only as much as might be helpful to the child. Try not to sugarcoat your experience, while keeping the content developmentally appropriate; children need to know that others have suffered pain like their own and that they have survived it.

Step 3: Remember to listen more than you talk

Try to listen to what the child has to say no matter what she is talking about. This will convey your interest- and if she does not bring up her feelings about her loss right away, it is more likely that she will do so eventually if she knows you are listening. Try to tolerate hearing about sad feelings or sad experiences. Resist the urge to “fix” the situation. Do not try to make up solutions to make things better. The sadness that a child feels after a loss is not something that can be fixed overnight. Lastly, to begin to establish trust with a grieving child and communicate your interest in their feelings: Be available, be vulnerable, and listen more, talk less.

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References

“How Children Grieve” What Adults Miss, and What They Can Do To Help, Corrine Masur, PSY.D