Communication Tools for Adults and Teens: IFAB’s and OFNR’s
Written By: Mariana Trejo, Clinical Trainee at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program
COMMUNICATIONcan be one of the most challenging aspects to our relationships, but one of the most crucial. During adolescence, most teens seek independence from parents or other adults in their lives, while many adults try to stay connected and provide guidance to them. Similarly, in romantic partnership, or even friendship, one person could seek connection and the other could struggle to communicate their thoughts or emotions. These dynamics can often lead to misunderstandings, arguments, or silence.
Two powerful communication tools that can help bridge that gap are IFAB’s and OFNR’s. An IFAB is a stance structure that offers more concise thoughts, emotions, and expression of a person’s perspective. It stands for “I Feel, About, Because”. The main goal is for the person stating the IFAB to leave the word “you” out of the statement. This often results in the other person feeling less defensive.
An OFNR is a similar tool to an IFAB, but it takes the communication a step further. An OFNR stands for: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request. A pro-tip to remember is that when it comes to stating needs, it could be most relevant to share practical things like, “I need help with ___”. However, if the person sharing the statement is willing to dive deeper and the other person is able to receive this truth, one could name a core human need, such as “I need safety, love, connection, etc”.
Both of these tools promote empathy, emotional awareness, and respectful dialogue. When used consistently, they turn tense moments into opportunities for connection and growth.
Step 1: Slow Down Before Responding
Before jumping into a conversation—especially when emotions are high—pause and check in with yourself. Notice what you’re feeling: frustrated, worried, hurt, or maybe powerless. This small moment of awareness can prevent reactive comments like “You’re being disrespectful!” or “You never listen!”
Taking a breath gives both you and your teen space to respond rather than react.
Step 2: Use IFAB to Express Yourself Clearly
The IFAB method helps you organize your emotions and express them without blame.
Structure:
“I feel ___ about ___ because ___.”
Parent Example:
“I feel worried about you getting home late because I care about your safety and I didn’t know where you were.”
Teen Example:
“I feel frustrated about being told I can’t go out tonight because I already made plans with my friends.”
Why it works: IFAB sentences help everyone stay focused on emotions and reasons instead of accusations. This encourages empathy rather than defensiveness.
Tips for Parents:
- Model emotional honesty—this shows your teen it’s safe to share feelings.
- Avoid turning “I feel” into hidden blame (e.g., “I feel like you’re irresponsible” is actually a judgment, not a feeling).
- Listen actively when your teen uses IFAB—reflect what you hear before responding.
Step 3: Use OFNR to Guide Problem-Solving Conversations
The OFNR framework, from Nonviolent Communication (NVC), is a step-by-step approach to expressing yourself clearly and compassionately.
- Observation: State what happened, without judgment.
- “When I saw the dishes weren’t done after I asked…”
- Feeling: Share your emotion, not your evaluation.
- “…I felt frustrated.”
- Need: Identify the underlying need behind the feeling.
- “…because I need teamwork and follow-through at home.”
- Request: Ask for a specific action to meet the need.
- “Would you be willing to do them before dinner tomorrow?”
This same approach works beautifully for teens:
- Teen Example: “When you check my phone without asking, I feel angry because I need privacy. Can you ask me first next time?”
By using OFNR, both sides express what’s true for them while respecting each other’s needs. It transforms blame (“You never help!”) into connection (“I need more help with chores—can we make a plan together?”).
Step 4: Practice and Reflect Together
Like any new skill, this takes time and patience. You might even introduce IFAB and OFNR as a family experiment. Start small—choose one conversation a week to try it out. Over time, you’ll both notice that communication becomes less about who’s right and more about understanding each other.
When parents and teens learn to name their feelings, needs, and requests clearly, conflict turns into collaboration. These tools don’t just improve communication—they build trust, respect, and emotional intelligence that can last a lifetime.