Active Listening Skills to Communicate with Your Child

Written By: Wen Soon, Clinical Intern at ACS, Adolescent Substance Abuse Treatment Program

communication

is often one of the most important skills people are taught. We hear it from other parents, teachers, and the media as the one panacea to any problems we have in the family. Think about the last time you communicated with your child: Was it effective or did it end up with no listening? My favorite quote from John Gottman is “Baby, when you’re hurting, the world stops, and I listen.” This quote emphasizes how important listening is when people in our lives are hurting and need support.

Here are some helpful tips to practice active listening with your child.

1. Take a Few Deep Breaths

This is the first step before even engaging in a conversation. Everyone has something on their mind before they started the conversation. Ask your child if it is okay to talk to them at this moment. If they say no, ask when it is a better time to talk. If they say yes, take a few deep breaths to clear your mind.

2. Speak in a calm tone

Many people start off conversations in a calm tone, but as the conversation progresses, it can turn hostile or negative. Although the topic is on listening, a calm tone will keep the other person calm too. It is normal for the conversation to lose that calmness but keep practicing bringing it back down to a calm tone.

3. Reflect on what you hear

Use this opportunity to share back what your child has said in your own words. Avoid judging them. Instead, share what you hear from a place of observation.

If your child comes home saying “Today sucks!”, a bad reflection would be “Yeah, I had a bad day too. You have it easy until you become an adult.” While this example did show that your child was heard, the child may feel like their problems were not seen as important as the parent’s own problems. This reflection could be improved by shifting the focus back on the child’s concern rather than your own concerns.

A good reflection would be “I hear that today was a bad day for you.” This example kept the focus on the child and made them feel like you heard what they were saying. It avoided judgment and was a key observation the person noticed.

4. Clarify What you Hear

While reflecting on what you hear from your child, it is important to ask if you heard what they said correctly. Communicating is hard and it is normal for misunderstandings to happen.

5. Be on their Side

Nothing breaks trust more than siding with the “enemy.” Children need to know that you are on their side even when they are completely wrong. When they are in a distraught mindset, it is best to let them be heard. Let them know that they are loved by you no matter what other people around them say.

6. Take a Break

Active listening is hard! It is also normal for arguments to spiral out of control. Once those happen, it can be difficult to have a productive conversation. When these moments occur where it is difficult to pay attention anymore, take a twenty-minute break. Come back to the conversation when you are both ready to begin again.