Big Feelings in Small Bodies: Helping Elementary and Middle School Students Navigate Emotional Ups and Downs

Written By: Ariella Hartley, Clinical Trainee at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program

THE TRANSITION FROM CHILDHOOD

into the tween and teen years can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, for students, parents, and teachers alike. Throughout elementary and middle school, children develop a deeper sense of self, stronger social awareness, and growing sensitivity to how others see them. These new capacities often bring “big feelings” that can seem unpredictable, overwhelming, or confusing to the adults in their lives.

Understanding the Emotional Shift

Children in elementary and middle school are at a unique developmental stage. The parts of the brain responsible for emotion regulation and decision-making are still maturing, which helps explain why moods can change quickly and reactions can feel intense (Casey et al., 2019). These emotional ups and downs are not only normal but also an important part of growth (Siegel & Bryson, 2012). They help kids learn how to express themselves, build independence, and understand others.

When adults see emotional intensity as a sign of learning rather than misbehavior, children begin to feel safer expressing what’s underneath their reactions (Gottman et al., 1996). That sense of safety lays the groundwork for resilience and emotional awareness.

How Parents and Educators Can Support Students

1. Stay curious instead of corrective.
   When emotions run high, curiosity helps children feel understood. Asking questions rather than giving quick directions can help them open up (Rogers, 1957).

• Say: “What’s feeling hard right now?” or “Help me understand what happened.”
• Avoid saying: “It’s okay, just calm down.” or “Let’s not make a big deal out of this.”
  While meant to comfort, these phrases can make kids feel like their emotions are being brushed aside. Curiosity invites reflection and connection.

1. Name emotions out loud.
   Kids often struggle to put their feelings into words. When adults help name emotions, it normalizes them and makes them easier to manage (Gottman et al., 1996).

• Say: “It sounds like you felt left out when your friends played without you,” or “That must have been really disappointing.”
• Avoid saying: “You’ll feel better soon,” or “Try not to be upset.”
  These common phrases are well-intentioned, but they can unintentionally minimize a child’s experience. Naming emotions helps children feel seen and builds their emotional vocabulary.

1. Model regulation.
   Kids notice how adults handle frustration. When we stay calm and name what we’re doing to manage stress, they learn that big feelings can be handled safely (Siegel & Bryson, 2012).

• Say: “I’m feeling a little frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath,” or “Let’s both take a quick break and come back to this.”
• Avoid saying: “This is too much right now,” or “You’re really testing my patience.”
  These kinds of comments can increase tension. Instead, adults can model calm boundaries by saying things like, “I need a minute to think so I can listen better,” or “This feels like a lot for both of us, let’s pause for a second.”

1. Validate before problem-solving.
   Before offering advice or trying to fix the problem, it helps to let children know their feelings make sense. Feeling understood makes it easier for them to reflect and move forward (Rogers, 1957).

• Say: “That sounds really disappointing,” or “I can see why that upset you.”
• Avoid saying: “It’s not the end of the world,” or “You’ll get over it.”
  These phrases often aim to reassure, but they can leave children feeling dismissed. Validation reminds them that their emotions are real and manageable.

1. Celebrate insight, not perfection.
   Emotional growth isn’t about always getting it right, it’s about noticing what’s happening inside and trying again differently next time.

• Say: “I noticed you paused before reacting, that showed a lot of self-awareness,” or “You told me how you felt instead of walking away; that took courage.”
• Avoid saying: “We’ve talked about this before,” or “Why didn’t you handle that better?”
  Recognizing small moments of progress helps children feel capable and motivated to keep practicing new skills.

Creating a Culture of Emotional Safety

In both elementary and middle school settings, empathy and consistency go a long way. Students who trust that adults will respond with understanding are more likely to reach out when they’re struggling (Casey et al., 2019). This is especially important as academic pressures, social changes, and technology all add new layers of stress.

Building emotional safety doesn’t mean preventing big feelings, it means helping children navigate them with support and compassion. When kids understand that emotions are signals to pay attention to, not problems to hide, they gain lifelong tools for self-awareness and resilience.

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References

Casey, B. J., Jones, R. M., & Somerville, L. H. (2019). Braking and accelerating of the adolescent brain. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 29(1), 1–13. https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12462

Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243–268. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.10.3.243

Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045357

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Delacorte Press.