How to Support Someone who has Suicidal Thoughts

in Depression / Mental Health / Self-Harm / Suicide / Suicide Prevention  by Adolescent Counseling Services 0 comments

Written By: Aaron Starr, Clinical Trainee at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program

SUICIDAL THOUGHTSare almost always about one thing: how to escape from suffering at a reasonable price. Whenever any of us suffer, we look for a way out. When we touch a hot pan, the pain motivates us to pull our hand away. In that example, pulling your hand away from a hot pan is a pretty uncontroversial decision. It doesn’t take much effort, no one gets hurt, and you feel better right away.

For people struggling with suicidal ideation, dying may seem like the ultimate way out from suffering. If you die, you’ll never have to worry about burning your hand on a hot pan again. You’ll never have to worry about studying for a test, whether people will like you, or how to pay the bills. With this logic, why don’t more people consider ending their lives? The reason is that the thought of dying also means giving up all of the good things in life. All of your favorite foods, your happy places, your exciting activities and of course spending time with your family and friends. For most people, giving all of this up is such a terrible trade off that they would never even consider ending their lives.

However, in 2021 there were at least 12.3 million people who experienced suicidal thoughts in our country. For some, the reason is that they perceived their suffering to be so severe in the moment, it outweighed all of the good things they would be giving up. For others, the reason is that they were cut off from their happy memories. On a personal note, I, myself, experienced years of suicidal thoughts when I was younger, and while there were points when my suffering was so great that I was pretty serious about it, for the most part, death seemed appealing because I just couldn’t remember what it meant to be happy. I would look at old pictures of me doing the activities I enjoyed and think “who is this person? It couldn’t be me!” I couldn’t remember what it was like to be happy, so I didn’t feel like I was making a huge trade off by ending my life. My experience struggling with suicidal ideation has helped me put myself in my clients’ shoes when they’re facing the same struggles.

So how does one support someone with suicidal thoughts? The first step is to acknowledge that the feeling of wanting to die is nothing to be ashamed of and is quite common. Almost all of our greatest philosophers thought about it at one point, and Shakespeare’s most famous soliloquy is exclusively on that topic. Trying to make someone feel shame about their feelings is only going to make them feel worse.

The second step is to tell them how much they mean to you, and how much you enjoy being around them. Often times when people are thinking about dying, they try to convince themselves that no one will miss them if they are gone. Every time someone tells them they will miss them, it creates ambivalence about this decision.

The third step is to ask if they are open to other ways of feeling better. If they say no, they are probably feeling so low that they are all out of hope. In this case, they need immediate medical attention, and you should seek help from a professional who can intervene before it’s too late. If they say yes though, you can use your best judgement about what will make them feel better.

For me, it was if someone did an act of service for me. Bringing me food, offering to do my laundry, or taking me to my favorite burger place. Everyone has different preferences, and it’s important to pick something that will appeal most to that individual. This is like putting a band-aid on a wound, but you still need to treat the wound before it gets infected.

Ideally, we can treat the wounds for our loved ones experiencing suicidal thoughts ourselves without having to get mental health professionals involved. However, there are many reasons why we are often not well suited to help. For one, in order to truly help a person who wants to die, they may need to disclose a lot of difficult memories that they would feel uncomfortable sharing with us. Another is that when we unload our suffering on others, it can make us feel like a burden, and no one wants to feel like a burden to their loved ones.

Luckily for me, my parents connected me with people to talk to about my suffering, and ultimately, I found therapists and medication that changed my life. Now I am going on years of feeling like life is worth living! It’s important to set realistic expectations for treatment though – not every person you talk to may be helpful, and if medication is a route they go, it can take time to find the right medication (some can even make symptoms worse). That being said, the potential benefit of actually feeling better is worth it. At the end of the day, your loved one who is thinking about dying wants to feel better, and getting mental health treatment can make them feel better. Every step taken towards getting treatment should be met with thunderous applause!

So in sum, if someone you know is feeling like suicide is their only option, you should let them know that such feelings are nothing to be ashamed of, that you care about them, you’re willing to make an effort for them, and that if they went to treatment it would make you really happy. Adolescent Counseling Services is always here to support you or your loved one who needs mental health support.

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In cases of a psychiatric emergency, please call 9-1-1 or go to the nearest emergency room.

If you are in crisis, please contact one of the resources below.

Free 24/7 Suicide/Crisis Hotlines