You Don’t Need to Have Everything Figured Out: Identity and LGBTQ+ Teens

in Gender / Gender identity / Identity Formation / Identity Formation / Parent Tips / Parenting / Sexuality / Teen Development  by Adolescent Counseling Services 0 comments

Written By: Samantha Sicairos, Clinical Trainee at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program

TO TEENS:

Adolescence is a time of exploring who you are and teens are often exploring their sexual orientation and gender identities. Some may know exactly how they identify and some may question and change their labels over time (during adolescence and beyond at any age). You may feel the need to know everything immediately and come out perfectly, but there is no one way to come out and be out. Allow yourself patience and curiosity as you’re discovering who you are.

You might ask yourself:

  • Who do I want to experience relationships with?
  • Who do I find physically attractive?
  • In an ideal situation, how would I want to express my gender?

Some people may find a label to be very important to them, while others may never identify with a specific label. Labels are meant to be tools to express ourselves and build community, rather than be a constrictive box. Gender identity and expression, sexual and romantic orientation are all along a continuum. Language is also constantly evolving. It’s valid that people may experience fluidity and find a better fit as they discover themselves and language.

As you explore your sexual orientation and gender identity, it’s up to you when you want to come out to the people around you. You might tell someone you’re questioning. There’s no rush to pick an identity in order to come out. It is important to reflect on who you trust and when it feels safe. It might be a friend, sibling, or support group for your first coming out.

You are allowed to ask questions and change and you do not need to have your entire identity figured out to deserve support and care.

 

To Parents:

Parents may want to ask their teens if they’re questioning or coming out: How do you know? Is this a phase? Are you too young to decide?

These questions often feel dismissive and can shut down conversations. It’s important to remember that exploration and questioning is normal and changing labels does not mean a teen was pretending. Parents can approach a teen’s identity with curiosity and can ask: What does this mean to you? How can I support you?

Familial support and acceptance has been shown throughout research to be associated with positive mental health outcomes. Your acceptance can positively impact their self-esteem, self-worth, and resilience.

This can look like:

  • Letting your teen know you love them
  • Mirroring your teen’s language for their identities, name, and pronouns.
  • Allowing clothing and hair choices.
  • Advocating for your teen and educating others as appropriate and with permission of your teen.

So while as a parent you may feel confused or upset, it’s important to continue to support and speak positively to your teens. Parent support groups can provide an outlet to explore your feelings and maintain a supportive relationship.

___________________________

References

Be yourself. PFLAG. (2024, March 26). https://pflag.org/resource/be-yourself/

The Coming Out Handbook. The Trevor Project. (2025, September 8). https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/guide/the-coming-out-handbook/

Ginicola, M. M., Smith, C., & Filmore, J. M. (2017). Affirmative counseling with LGBTQI+ people. American Counseling Association.

Supporting transgender, non-binary, and gender-expansive children. Human Rights Campaign. (2024). https://www.hrc.org/resources/supporting-trans-non-binary-gender-expansive-children